This is something that has been on my heart for a while now and I’m finally taking the time to sit down and articulate my thoughts and feelings as best as I can. I pray that the message I am trying to convey helps someone, or relates to someone, or gives hope to someone. The thoughts and feelings surrounding this posts have guided me to where and who I am today, so I want to share that journey with y’all. Also, it provides a great method of reflection for me. #winwin I am sure in the coming weeks you will see more posts relating to this in some capacity, so hopefully I am able to lay a solid foundation so everything later makes sense. Anyways, take a deep breath and lets go.
If you follow me on twitter you may see that I tweet “You are the Sun” almost every day, its in my instagram bio, it is my mantra. It is a simple reminder for those who follow me, but really it is a reminder to me. A reminder that I am the Sun. That I am my number one concern. A reminder to shine a positive light on everyone I come in contact with. A reminder that I should in no way be in contact with people who dim my light.
If you are one of those people who don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, or one of those people who “used to watch it but think it is too drawn out” you may be unfamiliar with where this reference originates from. There was a scene in season 10 when two best friends were having a final moment together, before one of them moved to the other side of the world. Right before she walks out of the door she turns to her best friend and says:
“You are a gifted surgeon with an extraordinary mind. Don’t let what he wants eclipse what you need. He is very dreamy but he is not the sun. You are.”
During the time of the show the character is deciding if she is going to make a huge life change that she doesn’t necessarily want, just because her husband wants to. It is obvious she is so incredibly happy and successful, where she is and the idea of the future she could have here, but the idea of her husband not being apart of that leaves her hesitant.
The first time I watched this episode I had just removed (well I tried) myself from what would later become a very unhealthy relationship. I meditated on this Sun quote from Grey’s Anatomy. I said it in the shower. While driving in the car. Anytime I found myself in a pool of tears. Anytime I felt the need to remind myself that I was worthy, that I deserved so much more. Through struggles I had already overcome, and the ones I would face in the coming year, I was able to internalize this mantra.
Moving on, especially when you’re in a rough place takes time. Sometimes I felt like “The Sun was rising again,”and sometimes it was like “the Sun may never rise again.” Now, about a year out of the situation my life is so so different. I have a boyfriend who from day one made his intentions clear, who never lets a day go by without making me feel like I am the most beautiful and intelligent woman in the world.
I don’t want to make it sound like my journey was all about finding “my person,” or another man who treated me better, because in that year I spent a lot of time trying to improve myself. I took time for myself to understand how I let my life go on like that for so long. I took time to forgive myself. I took time to pray that God would prepare me to meet the man he has picked out for me.
I’ve told my boyfriend many times that I am glad I didn’t meet him a year ago because I was not in a place emotionally to be with him and I would have definitely self-sabatoged the situation and eventually ruined it. This post is getting long and I could go on and on, but I wasn’t perfect when I met my boyfriend either. I am just blessed that he was willing to help me carry the baggage I have acquired.
My journey wasn’t about finding someone who treated me better, that just happened to occur. It was about learning about myself and all the strength and resilience I had. Now when I wake up in the mornings and tweet “You are the Sun” or look at the bracelet that has the quote on it, or whenever I’m reminded of what I’ve came through, I am filled with a sense of gratitude for the healthy place I am in now. Doing what was best for me got me here. It took time and it took making a lot of painful mistakes, but I am thankful for the journey because of all it has taught me about myself and the world around us.
So find your mantra. May it be a quote from a TV show, your favorite bible verse, or some advice your grandma gave you. But hold on to it, and pull it out when needed. Please please know that you are worthy of so much, that you deserve the world, that you are in fact the Sun.
xoxo a thousand times over,